Leaving vs. Deconstructing: Why Walking Away from the Church Isn’t Always Freedom

What if I told you that leaving the church doesn’t actually make you free?
In fact, sometimes leaving can keep you trapped in ways you don’t even realize.

I’ve noticed a pattern in my own journey and in the stories of countless others: there are two main groups of people who step away from Mormonism. Some leave the church physically, while others go further and deconstruct the church. This difference matters. It shapes how you see yourself, how you carry guilt or shame, and ultimately, whether you feel free.

In this post, I’ll share:

• The difference between leaving and deconstructing.

• Why many of us get stuck in cycles of shame and self-blame.

• Tools you can use to begin the deconstruction process.

Leaving but Still Believing: The Trap of Self-Blame

If you’ve spent time in ex-Mormon spaces, you’ve probably heard the term PIMO (physically in, mentally out). But there’s another overlooked group I call POMI—physically out, mentally in.

POMIs no longer attend church but still operate from the assumption that the church is true. This happens for many reasons: LGBTQ+ members who felt they couldn’t fit in, people who were excommunicated, or those who simply burned out.

The tragedy is that many in this group live with constant self-blame. Instead of questioning the system, they question themselves:

• “What’s wrong with me?”

• “Why can’t I live up to the standard?”

This is what author Luna Lindsey Corbden calls blame reversal in her book Recovering Agency. High-demand religions use it as a tactic: shifting the fault onto the member instead of the system. If blessings don’t come, if spiritual experiences fall flat, if happiness feels elusive—it’s always framed as your failure, not the church’s broken promises.

The result? You live outside the church walls but remain emotionally chained to its rules, judgments, and shame.

Deconstruction: Breaking Down the System

Deconstruction is different. It means critically examining the system itself:

• Are its claims true?

• Who benefits from its teachings?

• What patterns of control and harm exist?

This process can feel destabilizing. You trade certainty for ambiguity. But it’s also where freedom is born. Instead of saying, “I failed the system,” you realize: “The system failed me.”

When you deconstruct, shame begins to loosen its grip. You no longer carry the weight of impossible standards. Instead, you see the bigger picture and reclaim the power to rebuild your beliefs, values, and identity on your own terms.

Helpful Analogies: Diets and Art Classes

Sometimes it helps to step outside the faith paradigm and use metaphors.

A toxic faith system is like a crash diet.

• The rules are extreme and unsustainable.

• When you “fail,” the program blames you.

• But the truth is, no one can thrive under such impossible standards.

A healthy faith framework is like balanced nutrition.

• Guidance is flexible and supportive.

• Accountability exists, but within human limits.

• If you don’t engage, you can fairly say you didn’t put in effort.

Similarly, a toxic church is like a rigid art class.

• The teacher demands every painting look identical.

• Creativity and individuality are punished.

• When you “fall short,” it’s labeled a lack of effort.

In contrast, a healthy system is like a supportive art class.

• Guidance is provided, but mistakes are embraced as part of learning.

• Individual expression is celebrated.

• If you don’t practice, that’s on you—but the system itself isn’t broken.

These metaphors reveal the key question: Is it you—or is it the system?

Tools for Deconstruction

If you’re ready to move from leaving to deconstructing, here are some tools to support you:

1. Look at the Standards

   • Impossible standards signal a broken system.

   • Achievable, human standards allow for accountability.

2. Examine the Fruits

   • Do the promised blessings match the lived reality?

   • Chronic guilt, shame, or fear point to systemic flaws.

3. Check the Power Dynamic

   • Who benefits from obedience?

   • Healthy systems allow questioning and distribute responsibility.

4. Notice Your Emotional Reflex

   • Shame and self-blame are red flags of conditioning.

   • Honest self-reflection points to healthy accountability.

5. Learn About Control Models

   • Study high-control groups using tools like the BITE model.

   • Watch documentaries (Unorthodox, Keep Sweet), or explore outside perspectives.

6. Diversify Your Inputs

   • Read, listen, and learn beyond Mormonism.

   • Seek perspectives from historians, scholars, and those who left before you.

7. Ask the Core Question

   • Does this system allow me to be fully human—imperfect, evolving, authentic?

   • If not, it’s the system—not you—that’s broken.

The Role of Anger

Many avoid deconstruction because it stirs up anger and confusion. But anger is not the enemy—it’s information. Anger tells you where you’ve been violated. While living in shame keeps you stuck, anger motivates movement. It can be the fuel you need to reclaim your power.

Real Freedom Comes Through Deconstruction

Leaving is not the same as deconstructing.

• Leaving but still believing keeps you locked in self-blame.

• Deconstructing frees you to see the system for what it is and release its influence over you.

If you’re stuck in shame, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it might mean it’s time to stop blaming yourself and start questioning the system.

Freedom doesn’t come just from leaving. It comes from reclaiming your power to define your own worth and your own truth.