What a “Better Life” After Mormonism Actually Means

One of the hardest things after leaving Mormonism isn’t figuring out what you believe.

It’s learning how to tell when a choice is actually yours.

I use the phrase “creating a better life than the one you had in Mormonism” a lot—and lately I’ve realized it needs more nuance than it sometimes gets.

Because when people hear the word better, it can quietly turn into pressure.

Pressure to be happier.
Freer.
More expressive.
More confident.
More different.

And that’s not actually what I mean.

So let’s slow this down and talk about what better really means—and just as importantly, what it doesn’t.

What “Better” Is Not

It’s not the opposite of Mormonism

A better life isn’t automatically louder, sexier, more visible, or more rebellious.

Opposite doesn’t necessarily mean free.

It doesn’t mean easier—or more certain

A better life doesn’t guarantee clarity, confidence, or emotional comfort at all times. It doesn’t mean you’ll never feel conflicted, unsure, or uncomfortable again.

It’s not constant happiness or confidence

Many ex-Mormons unconsciously put pressure on themselves to outperform their old life—to prove, to themselves or others, that leaving the church was justified.

That pressure just creates a new performance.

It’s not a performance of awakening

You don’t owe anyone a visible rebellion.

You don’t owe anyone proof.

You don’t owe anyone a dramatic transformation that makes sense to them.

There Is No Single Post-Mormon “Upgrade”

For some women, a better life means more expression.
For others, it means more peace.

For some, it’s less structure.
For others, it’s structure they consciously chose.

There is no universal post-Mormon endpoint you’re supposed to arrive at.

And a better life does not mean solving every discomfort in your life.

Not every discomfort is a problem to solve.
And not every limit is oppression.

Discomfort can come from many places:

• conditioning

• trauma

• values

• temperament

• season of life

• social reality

• nervous system capacity

So if you’re still uncomfortable sometimes, that does not mean you’re “not healed yet.”

That’s just another unreachable standard.

Choosing Limits Consciously

Some examples that matter here:

• Some women don’t want more visibility—not because they’re oppressed, but because they value privacy.

• Some women don’t feel drawn to highly expressive or attention-drawing forms of self-expression—not because they’re repressed, but because it doesn’t feel authentic.

• Some women value structure—not because they’re conditioned, but because it stabilizes their nervous system.

The goal isn’t to erase every limit Mormonism gave you.

The goal is to work on choosing your limits consciously.

And I say work on very intentionally—because this takes time. There are layers. Sometimes it’s unclear even to us where we’re choosing freely and where old conditioning is still quietly running the show.

That discernment develops gradually.

What “Better” Actually Means

A better life after Mormonism means:

• Creating a life that fits you better than the one you were given

• Learning to discern choice over obligation

• Choosing agency over approval—from people inside or outside the church

• Integrating instead of reacting

You get to keep what was already working for you and leave the rest—no justification required.

This work isn’t about becoming a different kind of woman.

It’s about becoming a woman who can choose.

Some women dismantle everything.
Others integrate selectively.
Some find more expression.
Others find more quiet.

There is no correct endpoint.

A better life isn’t measured by how far you swing in the opposite direction.

It’s measured by how much choice you have.

When “Choice” Is Hard to Discern

When I was Mormon, I would have told you that not drinking coffee was my choice.

And in a way, it was.

But there was also significant external pressure shaping that decision.

It’s hard to discern all the influences on us from inside our own heads.

So here are some simple questions you can use to tell whether a choice is actually yours—or whether fear, obligation, or performance is still deciding for you.

Questions to Help You Discern Your Choices

1. Is this discomfort coming from fear or preference?

Fear sounds like:

• “I’m not allowed to…”

• “I’ll be judged if…”

• “Something bad will happen if…”

Preference sounds like:

• “This doesn’t actually feel like me.”

• “I don’t enjoy this, even when there’s no pressure.”

• “I feel calmer choosing something else.”

If it’s fear → there may be work to do.
If it’s preference → it may already be integrated.

2. Does pushing through this expand me—or exhaust me?

Growth-oriented discomfort often:

• feels challenging but enlivening

• leaves you clearer afterward

• builds capacity over time

Misaligned discomfort often:

• drains you

• creates resentment

• feels like self-betrayal dressed up as courage

Not all discomfort builds strength.
Some just burns you out.

3. Am I trying to prove something?

Ask yourself:

• Who am I trying to show this to?

• Would I still want this if no one knew?

• Am I reacting against my past—or responding to myself?

If the discomfort is fueled by proving you’re “free enough,” that’s not healing.

That’s performance.

4. What happens if I don’t fix this?

If you leave it alone, does it:

• create harm?

• meaningfully limit your life?

• keep you small out of fear?

Or does it:

• preserve peace?

• reflect a chosen boundary?

• keep you within your actual capacity?

If nothing bad happens when you don’t fix it—it might not need dismantling.

5. Am I just following a new guru?

Ask:

• Does this person tell me what to think—or help me see how I’m thinking?

• Do they offer conclusions—or tools?

• Do I feel more empowered to decide for myself?

• Is disagreement welcome—or subtly pathologized?

Freedom isn’t switching authorities.

It’s reclaiming discernment.

What a Better Life Really Is

When I talk about creating a better life after Mormonism, I don’t mean a louder life.

I mean a life where choice keeps expanding.

A life where:

• discomfort doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with you

• peace doesn’t need to be justified

• you’re no longer required to override yourself in order to belong, be worthy, or be safe

Some discomfort may still exist—and that doesn’t always mean there’s work to do.

Sometimes it just means you know yourself better now.

And sometimes there is work to do—not because you should be different, but because fear or obligation is still deciding for you.

The difference isn’t found in how your life looks on the outside.

It’s found in who’s making the decisions on the inside.

A Gentle Place to Start (Free)

If this brought up one area of your life where you’ve been overthinking, second-guessing, or trying to “get it right,” I created a set of free therapeutic art exercises to help you explore that gently—without pressure to change anything.

These prompts aren’t about fixing you or pushing you into action. They’re designed to help you:

• slow down your nervous system

• externalize what feels tangled

• notice where choice is already present

You can access the free therapeutic art exercises HERE

If you want deeper clarity, I’m also opening a small number of free Creative Healing Sessions—one-on-one conversations focused on a single area of confusion or pressure. These are limited, and I’m including a Creative Healing art kit for those who attend (you’ll just cover shipping, while supplies last).

And if now isn’t the time—that’s okay too.

This work is about choice, not obligation.

You don’t owe anyone a visible rebellion.
You don’t owe anyone certainty.
And you don’t need a new authority to replace the old one.

A better life after Mormonism is one where you’re allowed to choose—and to change your mind—without punishment.