Why We’re Emotionally Stunted—And How to Reclaim Our Feelings

A lot of us are emotionally stunted—especially those raised in high-demand systems like Mormonism. From a young age, we learned to separate ourselves from our feelings, to distrust them, and to suppress them in order to fit into the framework we were given.

But here’s the truth: learning to feel and process emotions is not optional if you want to live a full, authentic life. In fact, it’s the superpower I wish I could give to everyone.

In this two-part series, we’ll explore:

• Why feelings matter

• Why so many of us are emotionally stunted

• What we get wrong when it comes to emotions

• How to actually process emotions in a healthy way

• What to do with pain that doesn’t go away

A Quick Refresher: The Self-Coaching Model

If you’ve been following my podcast, you’ve heard me talk about Brooke Castillo’s Self-Coaching Model (CTFAR). It looks like this:

• Circumstances

• Thoughts

• Feelings

• Actions

• Results

Most of us aren’t in the habit of noticing our thoughts and feelings—let alone questioning them. We assume our emotions are caused by what’s happening outside of us. But the truth is:
Your feelings don’t come from circumstances. They come from your thoughts about those circumstances.

And once you understand that, you can begin to shift how you feel—on purpose.

Why Feelings Matter

Feelings drive so much of our behavior, often more than we realize.

Think about something you want—whether it’s a vacation, a bigger house, or for your kids to thrive. Why do you want it? If you follow that desire to its root, the answer is always the same: because of how you think it will make you feel.

We’re motivated to seek good feelings and avoid bad ones. As an active Mormon, I checked all the boxes—callings, tithing, temple attendance—because I was promised peace, certainty, and eternal security. At the same time, I avoided disobedience because I feared the terror of eternal separation from my family.

When you understand that feelings are at the root of your choices, you realize how powerful they are. They’re the fuel for everything you do.

Why We’re Emotionally Stunted

So if feelings matter this much, why are we so disconnected from them? The answer lies in culture and conditioning.

American Culture Teaches Us To:

• Prioritize productivity over presence (“hustle culture”)

• Stay upbeat and suppress negative emotions (“positive vibes only”)

• Avoid vulnerability (to be strong, independent, self-reliant)

• Shame emotional expression, especially for men

Mormonism Teaches Us To:

• Trust good feelings as truth, and distrust bad feelings as sin or Satan

• See emotions like anger, lust, or doubt as evidence of being “the natural man”

• Obey regardless of how we feel (obedience > honesty)

• Perform emotional testimony (“I know the church is true”) rather than authentically feel

• Spiritualize suffering (if you’re anxious or depressed, you’re not praying enough)

The result? We never actually learned how to feel emotions. Instead, we resist them, react to them, avoid them, or spiritualize them.

What We Get Wrong About Feelings

1. Resisting Feelings

Resisting an emotion feels like control—but it’s really suppression. It’s like holding a beach ball under water: eventually, it pops back up with more force.

I used to pride myself on being “emotionally regulated.” But in reality, I was just good at shoving my feelings down. Life coach training taught me that resisting emotions only creates resentment, anger, and self-abandonment.

2. Reacting to Feelings

Reacting is not the same as feeling. Yelling, crying, or punching a wall is an attempt to discharge emotion, not process it. And often, those around us pay the price.

3. Avoiding Feelings

We live in a culture that makes avoidance easy: overeating, overdrinking, overworking, scrolling endlessly, shopping compulsively. Avoidance numbs—but it also keeps you stuck.

4. Spiritualizing Feelings

In Mormonism, emotions are moralized:

• Peace = Spirit

• Doubt = Satan

• Sadness = Lack of faith

This distorts emotional literacy. Instead of asking, “What is this feeling telling me?” you learn to see emotions as spiritual verdicts. Over time, you lose trust in your inner world.

Reclaiming Emotional Agency

Healing means reclaiming ownership of your emotions.

• This feeling is mine.

• It has information for me.

• It isn’t good or bad—it just is.

Learning to name, feel, and process emotions without resisting, avoiding, or spiritualizing them is how you begin to live freely.

The Superpower: Willingness to Feel Anything

If I could give you one superpower, it would be this: the ability to experience any emotion.

Because here’s the truth: your most authentic life doesn’t come from avoiding discomfort—it comes from walking through it.

When you’re willing to feel fear, grief, rejection, anger, shame, and yes, even joy—you become unstoppable. Discomfort becomes the currency of your dreams.

What About Pain That Doesn’t Go Away?

Some pain never fully leaves: the loss of relationships, betrayal, spiritual trauma, grief. You may never get an apology or “closure.”

But you can integrate pain and create beauty from it. Like kintsugi—the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold—your cracks can become part of your story, not something to hide.

Creating art, telling your story, connecting with others, building something meaningful—these are ways to transform pain into beauty. It doesn’t erase what happened. It honors it.

If you grew up emotionally stunted, you’re not broken—you were conditioned. And now, you get to reclaim your emotional agency.

• Notice your feelings.

• Name them.

• Allow them.

• Create from them.

That’s how you heal. That’s how you build resilience. And that’s how you create a life that’s fully, unapologetically yours.

If you’d like to practice this with art, sign up for Sunday Muse—my weekly therapeutic art prompt delivered to your inbox. It’s a gentle, creative way to connect with your feelings and take this work deeper.