What if I told you that leaving the church doesn't actually make you free? In fact, sometimes it keeps you more trapped than you realize. Welcome to Mormon to Muse. I'm Kristen Martineau, certified life coach, artist, and former Mormon. This podcast is for post Mormon women ready to heal, reconnect with their inner wisdom, and create a life that feels fully their own.
Each week, we'll explore life after faith crisis through therapeutic art, life coaching tools, and creative reflection. If you're ready to deconstruct the past and create something beautiful in its place, you're in the right spot. Welcome to episode number 14 of Mormon to Muse podcast. Today, I want to talk to you about a pattern that I have noticed. I've worked with and talked to a lot of people who have left the church, and I found that they mostly fall into one of two groups.
People who have left the church and people who have deconstructed the church. This is an important distinction because it can really affect the quality of your life and the way that you perceive yourself. Today, I'm going to teach you the difference between leaving and deconstructing and help you assess where you are on the continuum, why we sometimes get stuck, and then I'll give you some tools for deconstruction that you can use whenever you are ready. So let's talk about the difference between just leaving and deconstructing. You've probably heard the term PIMO in ex Mormon circles.
It means physically in mentally out. So these are people who are still attending for whatever reason, but they don't believe. I think there's another group of people that gets overlooked, and that is the POMI group. Physically out, but mentally in. These are people who for some reason aren't attending church anymore, but are still operating from the assumption that the church is true.
There are lots of reasons for this, but I see it most commonly with people who are on the LGBTQ spectrum and feel like they just can't make the church work for them, or people who have been excommunicated, or people who just get burnt out and become inactive. I've talked to people who left the church twenty years ago because of their sexual orientation, and that they have also spent the last twenty years believing that the church is true, but that they just can't make it work for themselves. I've also known people who were excommunicated many years ago, but still defend polygamy. I like to call this group leaving but still believing. The tragic thing about this is the unnecessary amount of self blame and shame that you carry with you.
If you were excommunicated, identify as LGBTQ plus, or simply became inactive, you may still see the church as true, but yourself as unworthy or broken. Your mental framework is still fully Mormon. The doctrines, the authority structure, and the idea that happiness is only possible inside the church. This can create a painful limbo. You're outside the community, but still emotionally bound to its rules and judgments.
The result is internalized shame and guilt. Instead of questioning the system, you question yourself. What's wrong with me? Why can't I live up to the standards? This is what's called blame reversal.
Luna Lindsey Corbin talks about this in their book, Recovering Agency. Blame reversal is a common high control group tactic because it keeps the responsibility off the organization. It's used to perpetuate guilt and shame and used to dismiss all disconfirming evidence. It's also used as rationale for why promises and prophecies do not come true or why blessings are not fulfilled. Patriarchal blessings are predicated on your righteousness.
People who leave the church are lazy learners or lack disciples. If you didn't get confirmation that the Book of Mormon is true, it's because you weren't sincere enough. If the temple is boring, it's because you aren't sincere or prepared enough. In their book, Corbden writes, "We had the faith of an entire storehouse of mustard seeds. We built up treasures in heaven with righteousness, obedience, and hard work.
Yet there was always something more to be done. Some stubborn weakness, some impure thought, one more lesson to be learned, or another trial to overcome. We were good people. Yet how often did we blame ourselves for somehow not measuring up?"
So it doesn't occur to us that we can question the system itself. The church likes for people to stay in this mindset because it supports their narrative that people who leave the church are unhappy. When you are living in constant guilt and shame, of course, you have a hard time feeling unhappy. You can be convinced to come back to the fold because you still believe that you are deficient somehow and that the church has the only solution. In some ways, believing this is comforting. There might be something wrong with you, but at least you know the truth and can come back to it whenever you want to.
There's still some comfort in knowing the truth even if you can't live up to it. I was attending the church for a long time and in this self blame cycle. I allowed myself to be mistreated and abused and believed I wasn't good enough. But when I could see what it was doing to my children, and they were starting to suffer in the same way, that's when I drew the line. Because I could clearly see that they are just beautiful, unique, flawed humans, and that's exactly what they are supposed to be.
They don't need anyone to grant worthiness on them. And once I could see this happening to them, I could see it happening to me. So let's talk about deconstruction. This is a term I didn't know, at least in terms of faith transition, until just a couple of years ago. So faith deconstruction is the process of critically examining the beliefs, teachings, and structures of a religion you are given.
Taking them apart to see which ideas hold up, which were harmful, and which no longer serve you. It's not simply about losing faith, but about questioning inherited assumptions, authority claims, and truth claims in order to rebuild a worldview that is authentic, self directed, and life giving. Deconstruction is a critical re examining of the paradigm itself. You start asking questions like, is this system even true? Who benefits from these teachings?
It's also destabilizing because it means letting go of certainty and stepping into ambiguity. But that's where genuine freedom and self trust can grow. Instead of carrying the blame personally, you start noticing the broader structure. Patterns of control, impossible standards, contradictions, and harm caused by the system. This shift is liberating.
Shame loosens when you realize it's not that I failed the system, the system failed me. So it basically comes down to this. Leaving and still believing is self blame. Deconstructing is understanding how the system hurt you. I don't know about you, but that definitely brings up some of my Mormon conditioning.
It makes me uncomfortable to say that the system failed me. Mormons are taught to work hard and be accountable. If something isn't working for us, it's because we aren't working hard enough for it. That blame reversal conditioning runs deep. But I also don't wanna make excuses for the parts that are my responsibility.
Understanding how to do that is part of deconstruction. I'm going to teach you some tools to help you see the bigger picture. I think it helps to step out of a faith paradigm for a second. Imagine that you're trying to get in better shape and you find a diet and exercise program that you're going to follow. How do you know if the system itself is broken or if it's you and you're just not putting enough effort in?
If the program is unhealthy, the rules are extreme and unreachable. For example, you're supposed to eat 800 calories a day. No carbs ever. Weigh yourself twice a day. No exceptions.
There are extreme exercise requirements. You feel hungry, weak, guilty, and obsessed with food. When you fail because the rules are impossible, the program says, it's your fault. You didn't have enough willpower. But the truth is no human body can thrive on this system.
The system is designed for you to fail and then blame yourself. If the program is healthy, the guidance is balanced. Eat whole foods. Stay active. Allow flexibility for treats and life.
Engage in movement that you enjoy and feels good to you. The framework encourages you, but also leaves room for your choices. If you stop following it, it's fair to say, I didn't put in the effort this week. That's accountability within a supportive structure. A toxic faith system is like a crash diet.
The standards are impossible. The rules punish your humanity. And when you inevitably slip, the blame is pinned on you. The problem isn't you. It's that the problem was broken from the start.
A healthy faith or growth framework is like balanced nutrition. It gives you guidance, but also honors your individuality, your needs, and your limits. When you don't engage with it, it really may come down to effort or choice. Let's use another example. Imagine you're taking an art class.
The teacher demands every painting look exactly like theirs. There's only one right way to hold the brush, mix colors, or compose the canvas. Any creative deviation is called a failure. If your painting doesn't match their model perfectly, you're told you're just not trying hard enough. But the truth is the system doesn't allow for human variation, creativity, or growth.
The class is broken, not you. It's a rigid, unrealistic system. On the other hand, if you're in a class where the teacher gives principles, they teach color theory and perspective and brush techniques, but encourages you to experiment. Mistakes are treated as a part of learning. The student's individuality is valued.
Your painting doesn't need to look like anyone else's. In fact, you're encouraged to find your own voice and your own style. In this environment, if you don't show up to practice or engage, then it's fair to say I didn't put in the effort. But this is a supportive, healthy class. So a toxic faith system is like a rigid art class, demanding perfection, conformity, and obedience, then blaming you when you fall short.
A healthy faith or growth framework is like the supportive class. You're given tools, space, and guidance, but also your humanity is recognized and your unique expression is appreciated. So let's talk about some tools for deconstruction. The first one, and I think this is one of the most important, is be willing to experience some anger and confusion. Mormonism, we are taught to avoid these feelings like the plague.
Mormons aren't angry, and we certainly aren't confused. We have all the answers, you know. So not realizing that we're still living in that paradigm, we avoid the deconstruction work because we don't want to experience those feelings. I get this to some extent. You don't want to live in a place of anger all the time.
But I want to suggest that anger has a purpose. If you feel angry by what you discover about the church during the deconstruction process, there's a good reason. Anger means that you have been violated in some way. Besides, if you've been living in shame and guilt anyway, that feels awful too. At least anger motivates movement.
It drives you to action. Remember, the goal isn't to bury our heads in the sand so we can feel better. The goal is to experience the truth of our lives, and sometimes that truth is uncomfortable or painful. I'd rather face it full on and be angry than hide in shame and think it's my fault. Number two.
Look at the standards. If there are impossible standards, the system is a failure. If the system sets expectations that no human can realistically meet, perfection, absolute purity, unquestioning obedience, failure is built into the design. That's not you. Why would the church want you to fail?
Because as long as you're failing and as long as you believe that you need them to succeed, you keep on coming back. If there are reasonable standards, then you can take personal accountability. If the expectations are human, fair, and achievable, you know, if you're expected to show up on time and follow through on commitments that you choose, The effort does matter. Number three. Examine the fruits.
Compare the promises of eternal family and happiness with the actual outcomes. Shame, exclusion, fear. Jesus's line, by their fruits, you shall know them is useful here. If the system's fruit is chronic guilt, shame, burnout, and disconnection from your authentic self, that points to a flawed system. If the system supports growth, compassion, and resilience when you engage with it, then your effort or lack of it does play a role.
Check the power dynamic. Question authority. Trace back claims of truth and authority. Who decided all of this was true? Why should it matter more than your lived experience?
Systems of control often shift all blame downward. If you're unhappy, you're not faithful enough. This is a hallmark of coercive systems. It keeps you trapped. Healthy systems allow questioning, give room for mistakes, and share responsibility.
If this isn't working, maybe the structure needs adjusting too. Notice your emotional reflexes. If your first response to struggle is shame, I'm not good enough, I'm broken, That's often programming from a harmful system. If your response is honest self reflection, I didn't follow through here, and I'd like to do better. That's healthy accountability.
Learn about control models. Not to demonize, but to understand the mech the mechanics of influence. Watch documentaries of other high control groups. Study the bite model of control. For me, it was much easier to see from an outside perspective at first because I had no skin in the game.
One of the documentaries that had the most profound effect on me was Keep Sweet, Pray and Obey. And it's the documentary about the FLDS, the polygamous sect with when Warren Jeffs was the prophet. And there was a scene in there. It was a short little scene where they showed the primary and the kids singing this, like, really beautiful melody song. But the words were indoctrination.
And it was so creepy to me because in that moment, I realized that's exactly what happens in our primary. You know, our kids sing about the temple from day one. The doctrine is instilled in them that way without ever giving them a chance to question. So don't be afraid to look at other high demand systems and see where they might compare to yours. Diversify your inputs.
Read, listen, and learn outside of Mormonism. Mormonism is one narrative among many. You are capable of evaluating all the information and making an informed decision. You know one of the weirdest things I discovered after I left the church? There really aren't anti Mormons in the way that the church talks about anti Mormons.
The people who are talking about the church are ex Mormons who have been burned by the church. We're taught to share the truth, and that's what we are trying to do. But there's no, like, outside group of people that's just trying to tear down the church. Like, that's their only agenda. Anti Mormon is just a label they put on stuff they don't like.
There have been a lot of people who have been excommunicated in the past for, quote, spreading anti Mormon lies that were church members who were just trying to be more honest about church history. People have been excommunicated for talking about the rock in the hat, polygamy, the the Adam god doctrine, and blood atonement. All of these things are now acknowledged by the church because they have to be. They've had no choice but to come clean. Except maybe blood atonement.
I don't think that's made it into the church essays yet. And if you don't know what that is, Google it. It's weird and creepy. There's also a lot of information out there by people who aren't affiliated with the church at all. They have no stake improving or disproving the church's truth claims.
They don't care. If you want a great example of this, listen to Robert Ritner's interview on Mormon Stories podcast. He's an Egyptologist that goes over the book of Abraham scrolls in-depth. I think it's, like, thirteen hours long. And the explanations and their respect and the professionalism that he brings to that discussion was mind blowing to me.
He really doesn't have a stake in the game whether Mormonism is true or not. He's just doing his job as an Egyptologist. So don't be afraid to listen to other opinions. You are smart enough to sort it out. I think the core question when we're evaluating systems is, does this system allow me to be fully human, imperfect, curious, evolving, or does it demand I cut off parts of myself to belong?
If it requires denial of your authentic self, your sexuality, your doubts, your autonomy, it's the system failing. If it encourages growth while honoring your humanity, the effort is more on you. If the only way to succeed is by being flawless, silencing doubts, or denying who you are, then the system is broken. True responsibility lives in context where you actually have freedom, realistic expectations, and dignity. So remember, leaving the church is not the same as deconstructing the church.
The beauty of deconstruction is that you are able to see the system for what it is, and it no longer has any influence on you. Sometimes I've had people ask me, well, what about your temple covenants? The truth is, I don't care. The temple covenants aren't real. I can see that now.
If I still believe that they were, then I would be worried about that, but I'm not. Same with Mormon heaven. Aren't you afraid you won't be in the celestial kingdom with your family? Well, a, the celestial kingdom is made up, and b, it sounds terrible anyway. So if you're stuck in shame, it doesn't mean you've failed.
It might mean it's time to shift from blaming yourself to questioning the system itself. Freedom doesn't come just from leaving. It comes from reclaiming your power to define your own worth and your own truth. K, friends. That's all I have for you today.
Please sign up for Sunday muse if you want the therapeutic art prompt that goes along with this podcast. Also, if you haven't already, please leave me a rating and review on the podcast so that other people who might benefit from this information can find it. That's all for today. We'll chat next time. I love you.
Thank you so much for joining me today on Mormon to Muse. I hope this episode helped you feel seen, supported, and inspired to explore your healing through creativity. Before we go, I want to remind you that while I'm a certified life coach, I'm not a licensed therapist. The tools and conversations I offer here are for personal growth and creative healing, but they're not a substitute for professional mental health support. If you're struggling with trauma, depression, or thoughts about hurting yourself or someone else, please reach out to a qualified therapist.
Until next time, take care of yourself and keep creating.
