Leaving your faith doesn't just change your beliefs. It changes your relationships. Sometimes the hardest part isn't the doctrine, but the distance it creates with the people you love. Welcome to episode 15 of Mormon to Muse podcast. Welcome to Mormon to Muse.
I'm Kristen Martineau, certified life coach, artist, and former Mormon. This podcast is for post Mormon women ready to heal, reconnect with their inner wisdom, and create a life that feels fully their own. Each week, we'll explore life after faith crisis through therapeutic art, life coaching tools, and creative Today, we're talking about relationships because relationships often feel like they break during a faith transition. But what's really happening is a shift in thought patterns, expectations, and roles. Today, we'll talk about why relationships are affected so deeply, and then I'll share five key concepts that can completely change how you manage strained relationships after a faith transition.
Let's talk about why relationships are so deeply affected. When we share a belief system, we also share an identity. In Mormonism, relationships are often framed around eternal roles. So spouse, parent, child, friend in the gospel, brothers and sisters. This is comforting in a way because we are given the framework for how we and the people around us should behave.
We all understand what it means to be a good wife or a good parent or a good daughter. When belief changes, the foundation feels shaken. You've never had to define your relationship to this other person in a way other than what was given to you. When someone is not complying with the role, we aren't sure what to expect from them. I remember when Carl and I left the church, we had to do some reevaluating of our relationship.
Our whole marriage and family was based on Mormonism. If we weren't eternally sealed, then what did that mean for our marriage? What was still holding us together if not the church and the doctrine? How would we relate to each other if he wasn't trying to be the righteous priesthood holder, and I wasn't trying to be the church's version of a good wife? What does it mean to be a good spouse without all of that?
These were hard questions to ask, but contrary to what Mormonism may tell you, I feel like our marriage is better than ever. There's nothing forcing us together. No eternal consequences. We just love and adore each other and want to do life together. And there's less pressure on performance now.
We get to define our own roles. It's way more fun to just allow each other to live and thrive in our own ways. Faith transition also affects relationships because there is fear and loss. Loved ones may fear for your salvation or see your transition as a betrayal. When you leave the church, you are seen as less than, less valiant, less worthy, and you're giving up salvation, which is a term for spiritual death.
This is why leaving the church is the worst sin you can commit. It's the only thing you go to outer darkness for. Not raping someone, not murdering, leaving the church. This is another characteristic of high demand groups. It's called dispensing of existence.
This is a term coined by Robert j Lifton, who's a psychiatrist that's an expert on the psychology of wars and political violence. So he studied a lot of high control groups. Dispensing of existence is a psychological manipulation where the group determines who is worthy and who is not, essentially controlling the perceived value and legitimacy of an individual's existence based on their adherence to the group's ideology. This fear is deep in the Mormon psyche. I remember when I was a faithful believing member thinking this about people who left, that they were, quote, giving up their salvation or giving up their eternal family.
It's a very unhealthy way to view other people. There's also a loss of power and authority dynamics. Parents, leaders, or spouses may struggle when you step out of obedience and into autonomy. Obedience, or at least the appearance of obedience, gives the people around us comfort. As long as everyone is doing what they're supposed to do, everything is going to be okay.
Also, people who once had authority and influence on you no longer do. I don't care what the bishop or stake president of this area says. All the quotes and talks of the prophets won't bring me back because I know their authority is bogus. It has no power over me. It's not a real thing.
It's like a little kid telling me the floor is lava. Like, k. Do what you're going to do, kid. But I'm going to stroll over this lava and get my laundry. But that's disturbing for people.
They don't like losing power, and they don't like people who don't uphold the status quo. Faith transition affects relationships because there's a lot of grief and disappointment on both sides. You might grieve the loss of shared certainty and traditions. Going home for Christmas isn't going to be the same. If your family always does the nativity and reads the Book of Mormon on Christmas Eve, that's going to hit different after faith transition.
You no longer feel part of the in crowd, and you miss being able to participate in those traditions like you once did. But here's the truth. Relationships don't have to collapse. They can be refined, and the tools I'm going to give you are probably not ones you've heard before, so stay tuned. So let's talk about five key relationship concepts that will help you manage your relationships during a faith transition.
Number one is relationships are thoughts. Stick with me here. A relationship is not what happens between two people. It's the collection of thoughts you have about that person. Think about growing up with one of your siblings.
You can both have the same parents, but totally different relationships with them because of your thoughts about your parents and what they did. So someone might think that you've changed. They are allowed to think that. Remember, we don't have control over other people's thoughts. We only have control over our own.
And if we can control our thoughts about a person, we can also control our feelings about them. Your relationship with them is determined by your thoughts, not theirs. This is good news because it puts you back in your power. What are you thinking about the other person? Are those thoughts serving the relationship?
Here are some unhelpful thoughts that I've had that have interfered with relationships with some of my family members. They think I'm weak. They are disappointed in me. She probably won't want me there anyway. They think I'm dangerous or deceived.
What I was doing here is projecting my thoughts on them, and that affects the way I see them and the way I show up in a relationship. Here are some better thoughts. I love her no matter what. I can understand why this might be painful for them. I'm still going to be involved even if it's uncomfortable at times.
Maybe she's worried what I think about her. So you see the relationship is defined by the way I think about it. That doesn't mean we don't set boundaries, and we'll get to that in just a minute. Number two is look at your manuals. What do I mean by that?
A manual is this unwritten rule book that you carry with you for how other people should behave. If they behave this way, you can feel good. If they don't, you get mad. It's really easy to figure out what your manual for someone is. Just ask yourself, what does a good husband do?
What does a good parent do? What does a good sister do? Make a list. That's your manual. It sounds something like this.
My mom should respect my choices. My spouse should support my new beliefs. My sister should call me at least once a week. You are allowed to make requests of people. Sure.
But people are people, and they do people things. As long as we are stuck to our manual, our idea of how someone should be, the less we are in touch with the reality of who they actually are. We can have manuals for ourselves too. I used to have a very thick manual full of things good mothers are supposed to do. It included things like cook a nutritious dinner every evening, get my kids to bed on time, keep the house clean and smelling good, never yell at them, never be too tired or have a migraine that interferes with being able to be present.
Wanna know one of my favorites or one of my most embarrassing? I'm not sure which. I had this idea that I would get up every morning and make my kids breakfast. They would gently wake up to the smell of bacon and the sound of me playing a hymn on the piano while I was waiting for them to come down to breakfast. They would all gather around the table, and while they ate their protein and fiber packed breakfast, I would read them scriptures.
Seriously, you guys? It's so silly looking back now. That's not a manual written by anyone who has actual kids. I had to let that manual go for myself or I was going to be miserable. The lovely thing is that once I could let go of some of that imaginary standard and remember that it is imaginary.
You're making it up. But once I could let go of that idea of what I should be doing, then I could actually pay attention to what my strengths are as a mother and show up from a place of authenticity. I don't have to be the best mom ever, whatever that is. I just have to try and be the best version of me. That's all.
Manuals cause pain because people rarely follow them, including ourselves. And then we are full of resentment that we're not meeting this imaginary standard or that someone else isn't. People are going to do what they do. You have two options. You can hang on to the manual and be mad about it that they don't follow it, or throw out the manual and spend your energy on enjoying them and getting to know them.
Now, of course, I'm not talking about putting up with abuse. You can still set boundaries around yourself to keep yourself safe, but we'll come to boundaries in just a little bit. Instead of demanding loved ones act a certain way to make you feel okay, recognize your manual and decide how you want to show up regardless of if they need it or not. Number three, unconditional love. This is loving without requiring the other person to change.
Unconditional love is a term that we hear a lot in Mormonism. But in my experience, parenting in Mormonism, unconditional love doesn't really exist. Because as long as I was trying to get my kids to comply and change, I could not unconditionally love them. Again, this doesn't mean tolerating mistreatment, but it means choosing to feel love for your own peace. You can choose to love family members even if they still bear their testimony every phone call because unconditional love is about how you feel, not controlling them.
You can still love your family if they aren't speaking to you at all. Unconditional love is a gift that you give yourself. No one else feels it. That's up to them and their thoughts. But you can focus on loving someone instead of being annoyed or angry at all the things they do wrong.
Boundaries are sometimes necessary to keep yourself safe in a relationship. Sometimes this sounds like I love you, but the answer is no. I love you, but I need some space from you. Please don't contact me. Boundaries are about what you will do to keep yourself safe, not about controlling other people's behavior.
Because remember, we can't do that anyway. So instead of saying, don't yell at me. You can't yell at me. You can say something like, if you yell at me, I will leave the room. Boundaries allow you to stay in relationships without being swallowed by conflict.
You're creating a safe way to stay in connection. Or if connection is not possible, you're creating a safe space for yourself. And the last thing is your relationship with yourself. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself because it sets the tone for all others. If you're beating yourself up, you'll look to others to validate you.
If you accept yourself, other people's judgments carry less weight. Self trust and self compassion soften the need for approval from those still in the church. You become the steady center in your relationships. I know that leaving the church was the best decision for me and my family. It's okay if other people don't agree because I trust my own ability to make wise choices.
One of the tasks of adulthood is to let go of belief systems that no longer serve us. To do that, we have to be able to stand in our own power. There's a fantastic book by Glennon Doyle called Untamed. And this quote is about children, but I think it could apply to beliefs too. A woman becomes a responsible parent when she stops being an obedient daughter.
When she finally understands that she is creating something different from what her parents created. When she begins to build her island, not to their specifications, but to hers. When she finally understands that it is not her duty to convince everyone on her island to accept and respect her and her children. It is her duty to allow onto her island only those who already do, and who will walk across the drawbridge as the beloved, respectful guests that they are. I'm gonna read that one more time because I think it's a very powerful idea.
But I'm going to substitute beliefs for children. A woman becomes a responsible adult when she stops being an obedient daughter. When she finally understands that she is creating something different from what her parents created. When she begins to build her island, not to their specifications, but to hers. When she finally understands that it is not her duty to convince everyone on her island to accept and respect her and her beliefs.
It is her duty to allow onto her island only those who already do and who will walk across the drawbridge as the beloved, respectful guests that they are. You don't have to let everybody in, but you can still love people who you do not allow onto your island. So remember, relationships change after faith transition because the old frameworks you are operating from collapse, but you're not powerless. Remember, relationships are thoughts. Let go of your manuals and your hidden rules for people.
Learn to unconditionally love someone. Set boundaries. And most of all, build a strong relationship with yourself. These tools don't guarantee every relationship will thrive, but they guarantee you'll show up from a place of love, clarity, and strength no matter what. That's all for today.
If you want my free weekly therapeutic art exercise sent to your email that goes along with this podcast, Click the link in the show notes and sign up for Sunday Muse. Also, please leave me a rating and review on the podcast. It really helps get this information out to people who need it. Take care. I love you.
Thank you so much for joining me today on Mormon to Muse. I hope this episode helped you feel seen, supported, and inspired to explore your healing through creativity. Before we go, I want to remind you that while I'm a certified life coach, I'm not a licensed therapist. The tools and conversations I offer here are for personal growth and creative healing, but they're not a substitute for professional mental health support. If you're struggling with trauma, depression, or thoughts about hurting yourself or someone else, please reach out to a qualified therapist.
Until next time, take care of yourself and keep creating.
