Why Leaving Feels Like Dying - Understanding Faith Transition Grief
Nobody prepared me for the fact that leaving the church might be the hardest thing I ever did — not because I made a mistake, but because of how completely my identity was woven into it.
In this episode, I name what so many women in faith transition feel but struggle to articulate: the grief of leaving isn't weakness, and it isn't a sign you got it wrong. It's one of the oldest, most documented human experiences there is — and it has a name.
In this episode: I dig into why faith transition grief hits differently than other kinds of loss — and why that makes it so hard to explain to the people still inside. I introduce the psychological concept of ambiguous loss: grief without a clean object, where no one died and nothing was taken, and yet everything is gone. I talk about why leaving the church isn't just changing your mind — it's losing your social ecosystem, your identity structure, your theology, your envisioned future, your past, and the current version of yourself all at once.
From there, I draw on two unlikely companions across history: St. John of the Cross and his concept of the Dark Night of the Soul, and the Buddhist teaching of anatta, or non-self. Five hundred years apart, two completely different traditions — and both say the same thing: this dissolution isn't the end of you. It's what transformation actually feels like from the inside. I also get into the biology of the chrysalis — what actually happens when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly — and why that story is a far more honest map of faith transition than anything the church ever gave us. And I talk about what not to do with this grief (hint: don't try to solve it), what actually helps, and why your body needs somewhere to put what your mind can't hold yet.
Links & Resources 🎨 The Reclamation Sketchbook — A free 7-day guided art prompt journal designed to help you start listening to yourself again. Not about making beautiful things. About letting your hands say what your mind isn't ready to yet.
