The Sinfulness of Selfhood: Why Differentiation Feels Dangerous After Mormonism

Episode 51: The Sinfulness of Selfhood: Why Differentiation Feels Dangerous After Mormonism

There is a word the church uses for a woman who trusts her own mind over the institution. The word is proud. There is a word for a woman who grows in a direction the people around her didn't agree to. The word is deceived. There is a word for a woman who becomes too much of a self — who wants too specifically, thinks too independently, needs too little from the structure. The word is lost.

This episode is about what they were actually describing. And why the guilt you feel about becoming yourself has a source — and that source is not the truth about who you are.

In this episode: Why differentiation is normal, healthy human development — and why Mormonism theologized against it

The Correlation Program: how the church standardized not just doctrine but selfhood, and what it cost women specifically

What differentiation actually is — and why it is not rebellion, selfishness, or rejection of the people you love

The internal work that has to happen before the relational work can: finding your own voice underneath everything you were told to be

Why the people who love you sometimes can't tolerate your growth — and the two distinct things that are happening when they pull away

The pressure/yield/disinvest model from Jennifer Finlayson-Fife and how it maps onto your closest relationships

Why Karl and I — both out of the church, both committed to each other — still had to learn to hold space for each other's growth

The over-correction trap: how early differentiation can become its own kind of fusion

The loneliness that comes with genuine individuation — and why it means something is forming, not breaking

Why becoming yourself is the most loving thing you can do for the people around you

Resources mentioned: Murray Bowen — differentiation of self theory

Jennifer Finlayson-Fife — pressure/yield/disinvest model

Combating Cult Mind Control — Steven Hassan

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